I Quit

(Disclaimer: I have limited access to the internet, thus I'm only posting this now, although I wrote it Monday)

Some people give up alcohol for Lent. Others take a six-week break from chocolate or coffee. I’ve decided 2008 will be the first year I observe the Christian holiday, swearing to abstain from sports until Easter (or March Madness, whichever comes first). That’s right, I’m quitting cold turkey, avoiding it on TV, radio, in the newspapers and online. My divorce from sports began Sunday night around 7pm PST, as I helplessly watched my beloved Patriots succumb to a lesser team in front of millions of uneducated viewers.

If you’re a football fan, you understand how selfish the Giants were in robbing the nation of witnessing history. If you’re a New England sports fan, you’re still recovering from a sleepless night that began with nausea and/or tears. And if you’re a New Yorker, you’re not fooling anyone by switching out your Jets hat for a Giants one. Neither team, by the way, plays in your state, so you might as well start rooting for the Bills. Or wait for baseball season (pitchers and catchers report February 14).

As stunning as the upset was, no one will care 10 years from now. Your kids won’t ask you about the 2007 Giants, their season or Super Bowl XLVII. Instead, they’ll want to know why no team has gone undefeated since the ’72 Dolphins, and why Mercury Morris appears on ESPN every October talking about how great his team was (even though they didn’t beat a single playoff team in the regular season and only had to play 17 games to finish undefeated). Actually, they’ll ask you how such an annoying kook gets so much air time.

Since traditions are so important (New Year’s, Doody’s Invitational, etc.), I’ll revert back to my college days and give you the top seven reasons why the world would be a better place if the Patriots had won the Super Bowl.

1. Junior Seau, one of the greatest linebackers of his era, will now retire with the same number of championship rings as you, me and Dupree.

2. The Giants defensive coordinator looks like a rat. I hate rats.

3. Get ready for even more Manning commercials. There’s Peyton pretending to be a football player who uses Gatorade! There’s Peyton as a high school quarterback! There’s Eli acting as an overrated quarterback who makes a deal with the devil to enable him to complete a huge third-down pass after almost being sacked in the closing minutes of the game! There’s Peyton giving head to a Budweiser Clydesdale! There’s Eli opening a Bud with his teeth as he delivers his lines in broken English! The possibilities are (unfortunately) limitless.

4. The Giants dumped ice water on Coughlin once the victory was secure, thereby crushing the hopes of everyone who put money on purple as the color of Gatorade poured on the winning coach.

5. Our grandchildren could hear stories of how exciting it was watching the Patriots complete a perfect season when no one outside New England, including the NFL commissioner, wanted them to win. We’d reflect on a record-setting offense led by the greatest coach and quarterback of all time. We’d tilt our head back slightly, look off in the distance and smile as the season returned to memory. Instead, we will never again speak of the 2007 season.

6. Bill Bellichik did not accept the Lombardi Trophy from Commissioner Roger Goodell, an exchange that had the potential to surpass Michael Scott’s diversity training on the awkwardness scale. I’m sure Tom Coughlin provided great theater during the awards ceremony, but I’m guessing it was less awkward and more scary/angry. Since I’d already begun observing Lent, I missed it, but would not be surprised if he screamed obscenities at the commissioner and shoved him off the podium.

7. The Patriots’ narrow loss only adds fuel to the Spygate accusations. As a fan, I can honestly say Super Bowl weekend was not fun. I began Saturday reading about new allegations that my team taped the Rams’ walk-through practice before Super Bowl XXXVI. Then, right before the big game, my girlfriend was harassed by three Giants fans for wearing a Red Sox sweatshirt as she walked (alone) to the grocery store. Then, I sat through the entire game too nervous to enjoy it, anxiously texting friends and making a desperate halftime call to Sol for reassurance. And after Corky Manning completed his improbable pass into quadruple coverage, my stomach began to feel as if I’d been kicked in the nuts while suffering from food poisoning. Worst feeling since Grady Little’s last game as Red Sox manager. Thank god we have Josh Beckett.